BLACK Sharpee Markers

My wish list during cancer healing grew by the day.

One wish that I wished all my surgeons knew:

When I am sitting in that small room getting ready for the operation which will be taking off or out some significant body part and I am feeling emotional, exhausted, and terrified, and I wished I weren’t there,  I wish one more thing…

When you come in and draw all over my body with a BLACK  permanent marker where you are going to cut me, don’t you think that that would bother me and feel like a cruel joke at this point?

But NO, you don’t even think that it would hurt my feelings, make me feel violated, and scare me to death.

It is convenient for YOU.

And then when I lie on that gurney right before I get put “OUT” and look down under my unfitted robe and see my naked body marked up with BLACK permanent markers, before surgery, and I wish, I plead to God, that I will wake up and this nightmare will be over.

Then I do wake up….

and in place of the BLACK marks

is a huge bandage

and a loss that feels like something inside just died.

The BLACK Sharpee marks are gone…

Do I keep wishing….(sigh)

No one can cut your soul!

What do I do now: 

Surgery or not?  What kind?  What should I do?

 Dear One,

You feel overwhelmed by all the information dumped on you after finding out you have cancer.

To add to it you must now make the decision to have surgery and what kind.

This will be the beginning of many decisions  you thought you would never have to make.   I am not going to say get used to it, because you never will!

Remember it is a process. If you are a religious person, prayer is part of it.

 Experience affords expertise. I have had seven surgical procedures since I first found out I had cancer over a three year span. Seven is too many!  I could have had less if I would have only known and knew how to ask more questions.

 My advice:

 1. Don’t let “them” hurry you through the process of surgery if you have that luxury.  I had to decide in one week.  I wish I had made a different choice.

 2.  This is all new.  The very thought of cutting pieces of your body off, or open, or out is awful, horrible, and …stop earth I want to get off!

 3. My anger and stubbornness was my enemy. Try to stay open even though all options sound terrible and you are still rebelling that this Is you everyone is fussing about.

 4. In hind sight:  Go with the kind of surgery that is least invasive to your body but will allow you peace of mind and health long term.  How do you know which that is?  Get your pad and paper out as you read and learn. Write down as many questions as you can think of. Ask, Ask, Ask!

 5. I wish, I wish, I wish someone told me to do this!!!!!   Talk to your Cancer center and ask to speak to other survivors that are similar to your condition.  They can give you expert advice that the cancer center cannot give because they have not been through it themselves.

 6. Ask if you are eligible for the genetic testing.  DO IT if you are.  Knowledge is power!  It will give you more options when you think of surgery.  If I had known I had the cancer marker before I had surgery I would have eliminated several surgeries and my decisions, my healing, and my body image would have been easier to face.

 7. Once you have made your decision prepare for surgery. (My next blog post)  Remember loosing a piece of  you is a loss, a death.  You will mourn.  But remember, Cancer is cut OUT!  Bye Bye you Dumb Ugly Bug!!  Keep your perspective.

YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE!

Have Faith or rely on someone elses for a little while…