Snoring brings out my evil twin

I am so clever to write a tongue-in-cheek blog post about my grandchild and his ability to torture his parents through lack of sleep. https://jennifercalvertedwards.wordpress.com/2017/01/24/why-fight-the-battle-of-wits/

I pat myself on the back for being wise and experienced about “handling” sleep deprivation with little tots and giving silly solutions to make us laugh at something that is real.

But there is no laughing as I try to find serious solutions to my own sleep deprivation dilemma with a grown up spouse that has loud, gross, strange, and a plethora of sounds emerging from his throat every single time he sleeps…and I don’t.

When the snoring first began I was a patient, dear wife and gently tapped his little shoulder on occasion to gently nudge him to switch positions. He would and I would peacefully nod off…sometimes!

As years went by the shoulder shaking and poking began.

He would say, “What?” In that groggy sleep voice, and I would whisper through my teeth, “Stop snoring!”

No amount of pushing, nose plugging, head moving, or pillow covering can muffle the sound of snoring. It is surround-sound magnified. It is like a sonic boom that moves and shakes the windows in our house and shingles on our roof every single night.

Over the years solutions would show up. Several plastic mouth guards through catalogs that you mold in hot water. A chin thing, scammed from facebook, that was expensive and I think could also curb extra chin fat but seriously choked. (No refund) Higher pillows, a sound machine, and the hole in my ear getting larger because my finger gets deeper and deeper, but nothing easy or free ever works…

It gives me evil thoughts…no lie.

Last night I could feel the vomit welling up in my throat as I listened to a new sound when the uvula took on flem and saliva as dance partners in the back of his. He choked and squeaked moving fluids around from the back of his mouth then burst out air every 7 seconds. I know it was seven because I counted. He was in dream land and solidly sleeping. I was not!

Gees, I’ll take Pip’s opera yelling and early risings over this any day! He’s two. A man’s throat should know better for heavens sakes!

I have felt the bed lift when his diaphragm gasps in a full on snort, and have it thump down again when he blasts out air from his throat shooting the cough drop he fell asleep with on his tongue, clear across the room to hit the mirror. NO LIE!

Sometimes he squeaks air in like he is breathing through a coffee straw and then chokes and gasps, coughs a little then blows air out. (Who knows what is being hacked across the room…I block that from my mind and simply don’t look in the morning!)

He bellows air in like scraping metal boxes over a cement floor and then blasts air out over and over and over. You can honestly hear it rooms away.

He has woken himself up by his snoring and he laughs at such a rare and beautiful talent.

Oh dear God, he’s got Sleep Apnea!

Do ya think?

My poor darling must not be getting a good sound sleep each night with all that stuff going on! Poor thing.

Oh, I guarantee he’s sleeping just fine. I know I watch.

Yep…sleep deprivation is a sign of torture.

The sounds of snoring are high, oh so very high on that list!

I slept clear across the house with my pillow over my head and a seat belt on.

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