Tender Message

message to mamma This is true:

I was not there to say good-bye or hold my mother’s hand the night she died. I live too far away. My world inside felt as cold and gray as the weather felt outside. I sat at the window with my head in a fog blinded by the white expanse of the yard smoothed over with layers of cold white snow. Then something picked up my body, bundled it, put on boots as if I were a puppet. I walked out to the yard and instantly knew why I was there. Crunch… crunch… crunch… went the rhythm of my footprints sinking into the snow. The steam from my breath blurred my vision as it mixed with my tears. I wiped my eyes as I  walked and jumped and retraced my sinking steps trying to make the letters big enough to see from heaven! Then I fell in the middle of the crooked heart and cried for my mom–but I caught myself because I worried my neighbors would think I was crazy. So I quickly lied down in the middle of that tiny plot of earth in 16 degree weather on the day my mother died. I made a snow angel,  then walked inside, wet and exhausted. As I entered and took off my coat, I became very angry because this is what I saw from my window…

snow that looked like little feathers...
snow that looked like little feathers…

“NOW MY MOTHER’S LETTER WILL BE FILLED UP AND SHE WON’T BE ABLE TO READ IT!” I said out loud to myself yelling at the snow! My sorrow overflowed and my weary body sunk into the chair. I placed my head in my hands while drips from my boots and tears watered the floor.

As I sat by the window, I noticed the snow lasted only a few minutes and then it stopped as quickly as it came. Then is when I heard a quiet whisper in my mind and it said…

‘Your mother read your snow message and she answered you back sending this beautiful feathered snow in reply, “I love you, too…”

Several blog posts ago there was a picture of my mother’s casket. Swirling all around her, in the wind was beautiful white feathers. This experience is the meaning behind that photo. I wanted to share this thought with you even though it is very personal and tender to my heart.

I believe Heaven is not far away…


Together At Last!

Together in Paradise
Together in Paradise

The very morning my mother passed away, January 26th, I sent out a mass family e-mail. It read:

No one visit the cabin for the next week! Grandpa has taken Grandma to the cabin, and since he hasn’t seen her for over 21 months he has placed a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the front door! Let’s allow them some private time. 🙂

 Here they are in their angel clothes standing outside the cabin.

This is the view I will see when I see them again one day…

They are together once again!

It makes my heart burst with joy!

Just words. Don’t waste your time reading

It’s been 2 weeks today since I buried my mom…

For the next little while my posts will be a waste of your time,

but not mine.

A “downer” for you, so stop reading.

I am in grieving time, and that is okay.

 The tears do not flow on the outside as frequently as they did-

yet I continue to cry on the inside.

Searching through my silent world

I seek an outlet for my tears.

And so, once again I turn to the arts.

My medium will be words—

my canvas will be my blogs.

I don’t have the energy or desire

to make the effort for a mess.

Here is my expression today…

The “D” word.

It is much more terrifying than the awful “F” word.

The “D” word lives in every living thing’s nightmares–The “D” word is DEATH.

The “F” word—just a release of negative energy; crude and vulgar—

but not usually feared to hear even though it is offensive to most.

But the “D” word– it goes deep to the core for us all.

And often we don’t want to think of it,

hear of it, or speak of it until it shakes us and

stares us in the face, leaving us to face the reality—

if we can even get our heads around the reality of death.

Certainly we don’t want to read a blog post about death–especially a cancer blog post!

Why would we? We can barely even say the “D” word as it stares us in the face!

Ew Gross!

Yet we watch it perhaps every single night on television or in movies,

we read about it everyday.

We can’t keep our curiosity away from sneaking a peek.

Why is that?

Something that we are terrified of we enjoy watching—steps away.

Does virtually looking make us feel as conquerors—.

Perhaps is it because we all know

we are standing

 on that same escalator

inching closer,

second by second,

minute by minute,

hour by hour

towards death,

 as time won’t stop ticking!

Sometimes we try to run down a few steps

 to keep us from moving closer to that terrifying end,

some of us even choose to do things which move us up a few stairs,

some scoot up way too fast not by choice–

but we can’t get off.

We know we can never get off.

That escalator makes me feel weird right now

as someone close to my heart

has finished her ride.

I hate the “D” word.

It makes me lonesome.

It makes me homesick.

It makes me tired.

It makes me afraid…

It makes me…

hold tightly

to the only thing I know

to hold on to

which is…LIFE and LOVE!

Hmmm…the “L” words.